A moment of Doubt....

This past weekend
I attended a seminar hosted by one of our friend clubs, Turning Point Training Methods. If you don't know about SBGi Toronto, then check out their web page by clicking on their link in our sidebar. Their facility is fantastic.


This seminar was taught by one of my coaches, Travis Davidson (SBGi Montana). It was the first time being on the mats with him since my travel to Montana when I received my Blue belt at the end of August. Because of my back injury at the time of the trip, I was also unable to roll at the level I normally would have (this injury also kept me off the mats for some months after that trip as well).

Rick, Travis, Cane, and Matt.
SBGi Black Belts

Since I found out about this seminar, I had been putting extra pressure on myself in class to bring my performance level back up, closer to where it should be. This has been tough, as most (let's be honest- ALL) of my mat time has been spent in teaching and very few hours have been logged in training. Now, when I'm teaching -I am on the mats with my students, and we do positional drills and free rolling every class. However, without someone keeping a critical eye on my rolls, I fear that I have been developing some bad habits and getting away with techniques that aren't really that great. The week before the seminar little doubts started to enter into my mind, and small questions like am I going to be able to perform? am I good enough? have I been on the mats enough? And this all comes down to either a) an unrealistic view of my level of performance, or b) an inaccurate view of  my current level of ability. 


So, here I am- still feeling like a brand new Blue belt, now having put extra pressure on myself to prove to my coach that I really do deserve it, and wanting to feel my increased level of personal performance. I hit the mats for what would be a two day challenge of cardio endurance and technique. 


Now the first day wasn't so bad. It was intense as far as having to perform for a 5hr class, but all in all, it wasn't so bad. At points during specific techniques my legs would be aching, or I would be getting really slow from exhaustion, but I felt ok with my personal level and thought that things wouldn't be so bad after all. The nature of having a new level or belt is that in class you (or at least, I) was constantly comparing myself to the other people of the same rank. How did they move? Who did they beat? What techniques are they pulling off every time without thought (i.e. do we have the same fundamentals base?). I know this is a huge mistake or waste of time, but I couldn't help it. And then, at some moments what I was faced with the same challenges- I felt I came up short (but just slightly). By the end of  the class, with a few new bruises and completely mentally drained (from trying to absorb so many technical details) I headed home, tired but feeling really great. There is a particular feeling from a workout well done that leaves you invigorated. This is how I felt, really satisfied. 


The next day, I woke up sore and stiff and still really tired. I didn't even want to go in (well yes I did, but I was enjoying dragging my ass, lol). The class was a bit smaller on Sunday, and as we started to warm-up for the class is when things fell apart for me. I had the opportunity to roll with my coach, which is awesome. Every time the experience is great, and I learn lots because it is a hard roll for me, but really really great. The feeling of knowing absolutely nothing, and being able to do absolutely nothing is just something I'll have to come to terms with. Now, to placate my ego, I can say- well he's a Black belt, of course this is the way and all that stuff to make myself feel better about it. But it started really hitting home when he then from a free roll, had me start with him in various positions and work from there. Then I began to give into the feelings of I'm really not that good at this position, or I don't know what I'm doing from here, and all the other doubts. And it wasn't because I couldn't hold him in the position, or because he could escape everything at will, or hold me wherever he wanted and tap me when he felt like it, because he is a Black belt after all- it came down to the point of I didn't feel like I performed my best, or even at the level of my possible game. I started realizing that my level of my game in my head was not the same as what I can perform. And this is what really killed me, somewhere along the way, I began to wonder what it looked like from the outside, what did everyone else in the room see when I was rolling? What did I look like? It was all ego, and it was getting killed.  


My next match, against another Blue belt from the club continued along the downward spiral, this time not having the safety net for my ego of the excuse- but he's a Black belt. Not having had much time to let go of my match against the coach, I was still in the self-evaluation mode and now wanting to get some positive rolls in. This was not going to happen. Again it was a matter of feeling like I wasn't able to perform how I know I can on the mats. I proceeded to get caught, and tapped for the next (what felt like ages) few minutes straight. It seemed like I couldn't even provide a challenge for my opponent, and he was a Blue belt- I was supposed to be at his level!? I mean WTF was I doing? Completely drained and exhausted (yes, from the warm-up), at one point I had to request a rest.


I sat at the side of the mats and withdrew completely into my own head for a few minutes. I had serious doubts as to my level. It was very unnerving for me to not be able to keep up with any of the other Blue belts in the room. To quote Spock "I assure you, I was emotionally compromised" and as I sat at the side of the room, I tried to not show it. I was frustrated, and heavily emotionally and ego-ly (I know its not a word) invested. What to do next? How to let it go? I considered how I was going to complete the entire second day of classes now.

Somewhere in the first hour of class, my brain shut down completely. My body figured out a way for me to let it go instead. I had reached my limit of Analysis Paralysis, and the propeller-head in me stopped (Thank God). I couldn't remember anymore details for techniques, and just followed along with the drills for the rest of the day (funnily enough, when I just did the exercises, I was no less proficient). When it came time for Q & A sessions with the coach (what a great opportunity!) I couldn't even think of a question- I felt drained. I had a friggin list of stuff to ask the day before, what happened? Eventually we came up with some stuff, after sitting around awhile but it was a struggle for me to stay engaged. 


What it all means....
Well, first off- there are quite a few issues with the experience I went through, and most people will go through something similar to these same experiences somewhere along their own path.
Trust- it all boils down to this. I trust my coach, and he gave me my Blue belt. He evaluated me and awarded me the rank. End of story- let all the rest go. Who am I to second guess his ability to evaluate my progress? Seriously dude, get over yourself. 
Ego- it all fell apart when I began to think what I looked like, and what I thought of what others would be thinking about me and my level of game. Does any of that really matter? Stop looking in the mirror when your lifting weights! Your ego is not your amigo. 
Desire for attachment- I wanted to be identified as a 'good' player. I needed it to be who I was/am on the mat. I was so attached to this thought, that I couldn't handle changing my view of the situation. Also personal attachment to wanting to perform, and setting myself up in advance for all these doubts to come true. It all really started way before the seminar, talk about issues. 
Identification with attaining validation from an outside source- This is a big one too, is the desire for me to be seen from the outside and by others (and have them tell me) of my level of game or performance, or whatever. I really didn't think this applied to me anymore, as I thought I had given up on marking the belt levels and things... but it goes to show that in the moment, when the thought came up, I couldn't let it go.
Being here, right now- I couldn't stay in the moment. I wasn't focused on my Jiu-Jitsu game at all, I was way too occupied  with silly thought forms rather than technique and reacting to changes in pressure and timing. Really, all I had to do was  focus on playing my game, instead I got caught up in my own head games. What a rookie.


The Kicker
It's all natural, and it's all ok. It's supposed to be this way. This is all part of the process of training in this beautiful art -being forced to face personal and emotional issues on the mat, where you can't lie to yourself anymore, and deal with them. The entire process is very emotional and  really gets you to think about what you are and what you stand for- on the inside. So coming through this, I feel different, knowing the holes in my game allows me to work on the areas I need work in. I feel better knowing the holes in my heart, and knowing that I can work through them and let it all go over time. Simply identifying these things as they arise goes a long way to healing. It's all good and healthy, and that's why I train in Jits in the first place, because in so many other arts these issues are encouraged and reinforced, instead of being confronted and worked through. It's all about growth. Work through it, you'll be happier for the effort. 

North-South Position

We were looking at what the options are when you are positioned at the persons head while rolling. If your opponent has their back on the ground, and you are at their head then we have a two basic options for positions. We have the 10 & 2 positions, and we have North-South or the 4-Corner Hold.
(The images in this post were 'borrowed' from one of the organisation instructors, friend, and coach - see more by clicking on the link at the sidebar to connect with his blog, The Gentle Art. Thanks Cane)

In class we limited ourselves to the Top 4-Corner hold or North-South position. We limited our game to a hold-down concept as well, which for us means no double arm wraps. This leads to more of a floating game as it leaves more space, and encourages more movement. We were putting our focus in taking away space and keeping the lock-down, so our arm positions were both arms over our opponent's arms and grabbing around the body or the belt. We drilled to keep this lock-down while the bottom person escaped to see what would happen, and what the bottom person was doing to facilitate escaping. What we found out was more about how we were holding top, and why than anything else. Our discoveries were...

3 Objectives of the position

1. Keep as much weight on your opponent as possible
2. Keep their back and shoulders on the mat and their body flat
3. Use your frames and limbs as outriggers as required 

By using this filter, we found that there were 3 basic depths of position. We had Deep North-South where our shoulders are pinning the opponents hips. There is (regular) North-South where the pressure is from our chest to our opponents chest, and we have Shallow North-South where our shoulders are pinning our opponents shoulders.

Getting out

From all 3 of these variations in position, we have found that one of our defensive postures works very well consistently. This is our Flying Monkey posture. The important aspects of the posture are that you tuck the bottom elbow way underneath you (you are lying on it fully), your head and jawline are in contact with the mats, the top arm is used to anchor your opponent (heavy frame), your bottom leg is bent with the knee toward your bottom elbow and toes pushing into the mat (for tripod ability), and lastly the top leg is 'flying' - meaning that the knee is pointing to the ceiling with the hips open wide.  

Take note of the bottom arm- it is deep! The rest of this posture
is similar but not exactly what we refer to as 'Flying Monkey'

The game from here is making enough space, so that you can gain this posture, and from the posture it will be very difficult for anyone to stop you from getting to quarter position and escaping. And that was it, the entire escape game was turning underneath them to get to quarters and shoot or attack or pull guard or whatever from there.


Next we reviewed some secondary escapes that were position and pressure dependent, each one only working for one of the ranges or depths mentioned above. I'm not going to bother reviewing them here as they are pretty position specific and if we are focusing on one aspect, I'd like it to be the posture and getting to your knees. Experiment with things like Hydraulic escapes, Pendulum escapes to your knees or to pull guard, and rolling with leg attachments much like you would from an Oma-Plata sweep if you can get their knee to the mat. Anyways this should be enough to keep you busy until next class....